Just like my previous blog post, "Two Steps Forward and One Step Back," I'm using a piece written in high school for reflection and growth. While the last piece was written for my Advanced Placement (AP) English class in twelfth grade, this piece was a journal entry written for my Psychology course. We were mandated to write journal entries reflecting on the lessons we'd learned. At any rate, I took to this with some enthusiasm because the teacher was one of my absolute favorites.

Do I honestly love the person I am? Not right now. Sometimes it’s a good thing and sometimes it’s not. Like Steve Jobs who was never settled with a product as-is, I constantly look at myself and think, “I can do better.”

That sounds like I’m constantly beating myself down, but I swear it doesn’t happen all the time. I know when I’ve done good, when I’ve done exactly what I needed to, and when I’ve performed on a subpar level. I’m just harsh in order to better myself. If I don’t keep on raising the bar for myself, I’ll never get any better. I’m always in love with the person I know I can be and half in love half full of hate for the person I am, depending on if I’ve just taken an action for the person I want to be or toward the person I know I don’t want to be like. If I’ve just had a ridiculously engaging discussion, then I’ll ask myself, “What did I do good and what could I do better?” I’m constantly evaluating myself so I can better learn to maximize the social position I’m in and how I can make myself a better person, both internally and externally (This is referring to both morals and socioeconomic standing respectively and simultaneously. I won’t give up one for the other.)

Do [Mills High School] students like themselves? I really suppose it depends on the individual, but everyone has some sort of satisfaction for their accomplishments and some dissatisfactions with their perceived failures (failure is relative!) I think that MHS constantly sets the bar higher and higher, which sets the students to think, “I can do better too.” For example, I have the Mills Thunderbolt newspaper on my desk. The cover story reads: “TALENTED STUDENTS BUILD MINI-DEMOCRACY,” with a picture of my friend Ryan below the headline. Now, of course I like and respect Ryan, because he’s genuinely a great guy and fun person to talk to, especially about Model UN. But there’s also this source of discontent, because now the ball’s in my invisible court (this exists solely in my mind). In my mind (and I’m pretty sure I’m not alone) everyone is playing an invisible ball game, constantly doing actions to score points and raise the bar. MHS [students] may love itself for putting the ball in other people’s courts but simultaneously might dislike themselves for letter the ball touch them. Like me, I’m pretty sure that people are playing a love-hate game with themselves, as we try to determine who we are and how we’re going to complete that eventual journey to graduate and perhaps go off to college.

I definitely don't think that the universe is full of people trying to one-up me for the sake of doing better now, but all the same, I am living in an inherently competitive society. I definitely felt it in high school; this was especially so when I wrote this piece in early December while in the throes of university application season. In some sense, I've calmed down immensely. I used to think that all my successes and failures were put under a spotlight and incredibly visible to any bystander who cared to watch me. In high school, I worried so much that the watching audience was everyone, teachers and friends included. The pressure I put on myself to act perfectly in accordance with social mores was immense and definitely did way more harm than good (more on that here).

While no longer obsessively perfectionist about my academic standing and social interactions, I am still incredibly driven (more on that here). In my first year of university, I freaked people out about my productivity and work rate - I finished assignments two weeks early, I would get back to people immediately, I requested immediate responses to my messages, etc. I still try to finish my assignments early and it's served me well, but no longer do I bug people about responding to me immediately. As I've gotten busier over the years, I've learned what exhaustion actually is, and how to actually try and disassociate oneself from instant communication for some peace and quiet. I've become more sedate and pragmatic throughout university.

There are two conflicting desires within me: to work more assiduously, and to understand all people have limits. I am a big fan of the former, and sometimes I don't really understand that other people may have a lower threshold than studying four hours a day after six hours of classes. I don't do daytime naps. In some cases, I've definitely come across the wrong way to someone who didn't know me so well. Moreover, I've been in situations in which I nearly burned out and unnecessarily worked myself to the bone. I think to myself, I WILL BE BETTER TODAY THAN YESTERDAY and I WILL BE THE PARAGON OF WHO I WANT TO BE, in a very Shia LaBeouf manner. It's very motivational and it helps get the work done, but it doesn't help me live a balanced life. To put it in a Star Wars framework, I've followed the "Luminous beings are we, not this crude matter" and "Do or do not do, there is no try" maxims without actually trying to live up to the Jedi Code. I am not centered or balanced in the Force yet.

I look at this high school-level journal entry, and I want to tell my seventeen year-old self: You are made of physical matter, and you must eat and sleep like any other human being. If you don't sleep, your focus will be shot and your productivity will still be zero after the seventh hour of staring at your laptop like a zombie. You probably won't see or talk to the vast majority of your high school acquaintances after graduation so worrying - whether they like you or not, what they think of you in general, and where you go to university. You won't get anywhere by worrying so much and you'll gain so much in emotional peace.

I still have to tell myself to get more sleep. Two things: (1) life is made of the small victories we don't really notice, and (2) it's always a work in progress.